Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
