The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
