I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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