Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
