I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
