rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
