U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
