some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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