Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
