Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So many bounce houses so little time
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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