just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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