I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
