once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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