Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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