final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
