I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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