Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
