he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
love makes seman taste better
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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