At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
