life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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