I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
