Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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