If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
