Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
