Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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