Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
