So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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