its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
