you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I currently don't understand fingers.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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