dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
