Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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