the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
How external is "for external use only"?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
