sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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