Well douche your snatch and let's go!
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
