Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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