I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
