Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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