We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
