the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
