Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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