The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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