I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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