If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
