Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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