I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
