Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
