My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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