if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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