btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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