Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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