I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
