I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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