It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
