I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
